You are currently viewing Fair play: the role of “ground rules” in a mediation

Fair play: the role of “ground rules” in a mediation

You have made an appointment with the mediator, you have signed and returned the mediation agreement, and now you are in the chair in the mediator’s consulting room, not entirely sure what comes next.

Many mediators will start the first mediation meeting by going through ground rules for the mediation process.

Ground rules set the stage for a respectful and productive conversation. Many of them provide for the rules of etiquette that apply in any good social interaction, but which are often forgotten when tempers are raised. By agreeing upon and abiding by ground rules, a safe environment is created in which to engage fruitfully. This may not be possible outside of the mediator’s consulting room.

A mediator may suggest her own set of ground rules and ask the parties to agree to them, or may ask the parties to come up with their own ground rules. The sort of ground rules a mediator may ask parties to agree to, include:

  • Speak for yourself. Avoid engaging in blame and criticism of the other person.
  • One person speaks at a time. Do not interrupt. (The mediator reserves the right to interrupt in order to keep proceedings on track.)
  • Each person is entitled to a fair opportunity to express themselves fully.
  • Listen to understand, and delay formulating a response until you are sure that you understand what the other person is trying to communicate.
  • Treat one another with dignity and respect. No raised voices or abusive language.
  • Focus on building an agreement for the future, not rehashing the past.
  • Cell phones should be turned off, and placed out of sight, so as not to be a distraction.
  • Keep what is said in the mediation sessions, confidential.

Having agreed to these rules of engagement, the mediator will gently remind the parties of their agreement, should their communication stray away from what was agreed. In this way, the mediator aims to hold the space for both parties to fully and frankly express themselves, be heard, and offer constructive input.

Some mediators do not like to introduce ground rules, as they feel it places them in the position of a parent, refereeing squabbles between two ill-disciplined children. They prefer to expect the best from the parties, and only intervene with guidance if and when problems arise. The difficulty that arises with this approach, is that one party may feel that the mediator is showing bias against him or her, should the mediator raise ground rules after the process is already underway.

Rose Attorneys offers mediation services, with a special focus on divorce mediation.

In any divorce proceedings, a dialogue facilitated by a mediator can bring matters to a quicker and more peaceful resolution than proceeding at once to issuing summons and exchanging proposals via attorneys and court documents.

Especially where a divorcing couple must co-parent in future, a mediation process can be invaluable. While litigating tends to harden positions and further damage the parties’ relationship, mediation offers the possibility of reducing tensions, and building new foundations for a constructive future co-parenting relationship.

If you are interested in more information about divorce mediation, contact Camilla Rose at or 074 697 2048.